The Death of Moses

On the monument that marks Thomas Jefferson's grave it reads:

HERE WAS BURIED

THOMAS JEFFERSON

AUTHOR OF THE

DECLARATION

OF

AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE

OF THE

STATUTE OF VIRIGINIA

FOR

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

AND FATHER OF THE

UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA

Notice any glaring omissions? For a man possessed of a love/hate relationship with executive power, that is a fitting tribute to his ideals and accomplishments.

What, then, should one say about Charlton Heston? He was a man of certain political convictions (with which I do not especially agree), but he was mostly an entertainer. There is plenty of schlock in the Heston filmography - as there will be in any that spans so many decades. But there are a few gems, too. Here's what I would etch into his stone, if it were up to me (which, fortunately, it is not):

HERE LIES

CHARLTON HESTON

THE CHARIOTEER

WHO RAN ROUGHSHOD OVER ROME

A FALLEN STAR

IN WHOSE METEORIC DESCENT

SEAS WERE PARTED

TABLETS WERE SMASHED

AND

IDOLS WERE DESTROYED

A PLANET

AMONG APES

THE ALPHA MALE

AND

THE OMEGA MAN

FROM WHOSE COLD, DEAD FINGERS

YOU MAY PRY ANYTHING

BUT HIS PERMISSION

TO EAT SOYLENT GREEN

WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE

I'd almost prefer he were remembered for starring in teen comedies than for his sad, senile turn in Bowling for Columbine. According to Tina Fey - who's Greek - his movie posters in Greece were always changed to read "Charlton Heaston" because there "heston" means "to poop one's pants."

In any case, I hope he's someplace warm. With a fresh pair of slacks. And that's he sitting down when they tell him that the Second Amendment was probably referring to the arming of localized militias.