People Get Ready

So did anything happen in the news this week?

Amidst all the moving and shaking going on in my own life, I did find a little time to digest the Obama speech and a small fraction of its coverage. Fellow bloggers Conor and Derek wrote commentaries on it here and here, respectively, to which I will add only these points:

(1) Obama reiterated his commitment not only to grassroots campaigning (vis-à-vis the Ashley story), but grassroots governing. This is what many of his critics fail to grasp. Obama supporters do not - for the most part - view him as a Messianic figure. We view him as a mobilizer, tapping into the vast, untouched resources of the American people. Racism - and the other pervasive scourges of our time - can not be solved by "big government" if we view that government as something separate from ourselves. If we've learned nothing else from our failed experiments in nation-building, it's that democracy can not be given; it must be taken. In this sense, Obama's vision gathers up the best objectives of the Left and weds them - in most cases - to the libertarian impulses of the old Right. True conservatives (whoever they are) may quibble that he'll raise taxes - and he will - and so declare that by that act alone he will forfeit any claim to the mantle of "small government solutions." My only answer to them is this: with a nation of 300 MILLION and a global influence second to none, there's no such thing as a "small government solution" anymore. The best we can hope for is a government whose awesome power is diffused and tamed through collective participation, a government that is transparent and accountable to its people, a government with 300 million checks. A system that irreducibly large can only be balanced when its agents are stacked one-high. How this will be implemented is still a giant question mark. You can't legislate good citizenship. But you can incentivize it. Look for me to join the Peace Corps or teach in a high-need area at some point during an Obama presidency. Populism is the new libertarianism. And if that bothers you so much, then buy a shotgun and move to Ruby Ridge already.

(2) Racial thought was one of the areas I focused on as an undergrad and grad student. It constitutes a tremendously labyrinthine terrain. It draws from sub-disciplines and schools of thought as diverse as genetics, discourse analysis, art history, social construct theory, sociology, classical studies, and political science. In short: it's complicated. I can't tell you how unusual it is to hear a politician say anything on the subject so attentive to nuance, so resistant to soundbiting, so brave. Obama's candidacy represents a tremendous opportunity for the United States. Unfortunately, there's a catch-22 involved. If he's not elected, it'll be because we aren't - as a people - ready for a politician like him. But if we don't elect a politician like him, we may never - as a people - be able to get ready.

Alright, enough of my speechifyin' and prognosticatin'.

I'll leave by giving out an award. Sean Hannity gets the prize (what should I call them? The Fashies?) this week for his comments on Obama. My fellow Irishman has earned notoriety for his portrayal as a scandalized, compassionate observer who was sincerely dismayed by the shocking hate speech of Jeremy Wright. I think I'll call it "Worst Impression of Someone with a Soul":



I'm paraphrasing, but he essentially says the following:

"Let's just imagine for a minute that Barack Obama does share the politics of his pastor - I'm not saying he does, but let's just play 'what if' - what if he does? Can you imagine what it would be like to have a president who was a racist and an anti-Semite?"

Yes, imagine the tragic dystopia in which a president - an American president, mind you - harbors hatred in his heart. Envision the Bizarro World in which our Head of State represents only the majority of Americans. Contemplate a parallel timeline of the United States in which our Chief Executive bestows his blessings upon the basis of race.

I really hope nobody ever shows that doofus a reputable history book or hands him a twenty-dollar bill. Imagine a president who's racist? I'm harder-pressed to imagine one who isn't.

Anyway, I won't make a habit on this blog of bashing right-wing pundits. That's why we have Al Franken and Keith Olbermann and Jon Stewart. Also, I prefer my sports to be competitive.

Rainn Man

He's into numbers, y'all:



This video comes from The Tim & Eric Awesome Show, another weird & wonderful offering from Adult Swim.

I Miss the Cold War

The video below is a fake - even the 80's weren't this...80's - but I don't care. It's enough to make you nostalgic for Gorby's birthmark.

Also, it kinda looks like it was made by the guy from Saul of the Mole Men. Could be. His beloved Fallopia was Russian.

Low Flow

Attention, loyal reader: this might be a light week, posting-wise.

Grades are due & I'm moving house, after four years in the same locaysh. See that abbrev.? I don't even have time for full words.

Anyway, don't worry. I feel fine. My back is on the mend. And I certainly haven't exhausted my known reserves of muse-worthy material.

At the risk of channeling the Governator: I'll be back.

Lincoln's Mother's Pussy

To the more demure members of my readership, I apologize for the title of this post. It is calculated to catch your eye, not to provoke your ire.

I remember hearing some years ago about a study that had revealed the three most common words featured in bestsellers' titles were "Lincoln," "Mother," and "Cat." Predictably, some bright-eyed entrepreneur took what he saw as a surefire route to publishing success and penned a book entitled Lincoln's Mother's Cat.*

I was reminded of this anecdote today when my humble little blog racked up several comments on this post in an unprecedented amount of time. Apparently, the pressing demand for Colbert tickets ratcheted up the relative importance of what was - in retrospect - one of my less self-aware posts.

So this got me thinking about self-awareness (or "meta-blogging") and also about marketing.

For some, the "meta" trend in books & movies has already overstayed its welcome. You could make the case that books like Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius & movies like Spike Jonze's Adaptation, though cool, ultimately demonstrate that strip-mining one's own work in progress, for the sake of a few inside jokes, adds up to much less than the sum of its parts.

Personally, I'm on the fence. There were moments in the book and the movie that I felt were a bit too cute, a bit too forced, a bit too manufactured. Of course, that feeling could be the effect their creators were going for, but I think this gives them too much credit. Why not pull back a bit on those reigns and craft something clever AND genuine? That strikes me as a far more worthy challenge for artists so clearly gifted and creative. On the other hand, there's something satisfying about being in the know. Getting it. Winking back. Maybe that's shallow intellectual vanity. And worse: shallow intellectual vanity with the illusion of depth. I don't know. But it is fun.

Charlie Kauffman, the screenwriter for Adaptation (and Being John Malkovich & Eternal Sunshine), wrote the upcoming Synechdoche, NY. Read the synopsis. It could very well be the last word on meta-cinema. My esteemed friend Brendan observed that he always wants to see Charlie Kauffman movies, but they never SOUND like anything you'd want to sit through. I agree. The descriptions of Kauffman's vision always appear overwrought. He packs a decade's worth of ideas into each script and so each plot summary can't help but sound like a hot mess. The disjointed movies - disorienting even for those putting in the requisite two hours - must be a nightmare for the promoters and marketers tasked with condensing them into two minutes. Does anyone remember the preview for Adaptation? Yeah, well, thankfully after over five years of intensive therapy, neither do its editors.

The release of Kauffman's latest nonetheless affords me an amazing opportunity for meta-blogging. I could see Synechdoche, NY in Schenectady, NY. I could smuggle my laptop in and live-blog my reaction to the movie. I could write a stream-of-consciousness narrative about my fixation on meta-blogging and the act of blogging the movie while I blogged the movie. I could post a hyperlink on the final post that led to the final post. Somewhere, Doc Brown's head is swirling with the possibilities and their ramifications for the space-time continuum. This is heavy.

Anyway, this all began as a meditation on the unexpected feedback I received regarding a post that reached a larger audience than I intended. Now I'm going to fish for some more. Here are the top ten keyword searches on Google, according to this blog:

1. pussy
2. porn
3. google
4. boobs
5. hentai
6. paris hilton
7. ebay
8. yahoo
9. sex
10. milf

I wonder who will be leaving comments on this post. No doubt they will be disappointed by what they find. Hmmm, maybe I should be careful what I wish for...

In closing, a question to ponder: based on the terms in the top ten, would you say that internet users are overwhelmingly perverts or are perverts overwhelmingly online? The world may never know.

* - Amusingly, after all this talk, I can't find the book in question. Several Google search permutations yielded nothing. Nothing! Nothing for a book that presumably could outdistance the Bible in total sales someday. I guess print is dead. Or at least, in this case, it's M.I.A.

COLBERT TICKETS!!!

I've reserved four tickets to see him film the show in Philadelphia on April 17th. Who wants in? Like all the young American eagles suckling at Stephen's ample, truthy teat* these tickets are FREE!

Need some persuasion? Check out this interview from last month. One of his best, in my opinion. "I TEACH Sunday School, Motherf&*%er!"


* - Curious behavior for non-mammals.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (2008 Edition)

Bill Cosby never filmed an episode like this.

The setting: my AP U.S. History class.

The set-up: two female students, presenting on "modern social issues," chose the topic of "abstinence-only sex education."

The gist: the girls used a PowerPoint demonstration & a video to argue that abstinence-only education results in woefully ignorant adolescents and undesirable effects (like higher rates of teen pregnancy). The PowerPoint detailed some of the statistics they used to back up their claims, as well as pictures of high-profile cases like that of Jamie-Lynn Spears. The video featured two nearly-identical vignettes contrasting how teenagers might deal with a specific situation if they'd had (a) abstinence-only sex ed or (b) comprehensive sex ed.

The "specific situation": their reaction to a pop-up advertising banner for a pornography site, which the girls "tastefully" sanitized by displaying a screen that simply said "Va-Jay-Jay Porn."

I am not kidding.

The following things were done & said:

One male student admired - under his breath, but still audible - the short skirt donned by Ms. Spears.

"You know, it's that kind of thinking that contributes to teen pregnancy in the first place."

The video, which had been filmed on a recycled tape, began accidentally with a clip from a local church's staging of the Nativity.

"Ah, yes, Mary - the original pregnant teen."

The second vignette of the video - looking unappreciably different from the first - confused the class, thinking they were seeing the same skit again.

"I think I'm having Déjà-Va-Jay-Jay."

Did I mention that I teach at a Catholic school?

I love my job.

"Mona said, 'I wanna leave Bennigan's.'"

Misheard lyrics have always been a fascination of mine. In tenth grade, I was positive that in the song "Betterman" by Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder was singing, "She dreams in color, she dreams in real" - and I thought that was really cool. Turns out he was saying "She dreams in color, she dreams in red." Not bad, but not as good either. Here's a famously bewildering song (with attendant visual interpretation) from those incorrigible grunge stylists:





Who gets credit for misheard lyrics or misremembered poetry, especially in cases where the line in question is superior to the original? Is there some invisible sleight-of-hand, some pranking muse, some holy ghost-writer out there, inspiring us to accidental greatness?





Or is all greatness accidental? I know I like to think so. At least, that is, when I reflect on Christina Aguilera's billboard success.

Honesty is the Best Policy. Seriously.

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain

I think McGreevey comes off best in this video. What does it say about public figures (and us) when a simple, straightforward admission of guilt is "refreshing"? For my own part, I haven't been honest in every situation of my life. Based on that, I can tell you - between the two - the truth, when spoken, feels a lot better.