Stage Americans

Just got back from seeing In Bruges at the Spectrum. Feeling good that there's still at least one theater left that rewards the industrious among us willing to wake up at the crack of noon and early-bird it over to the matinee.

It was a better-than-average dark comedy about two hitmen on the lam in Belgium, written/directed by Martin McDonagh, and starring Colin Farrell. There was murder and rage and sex and drugs and dwarves and prostitutes and racism and apocalyptic prophecies and Fat Americans all rolled into one tight (albeit rude) tableau. Wanna guess which part bothered me the most? Yep, those Fat Americans.

Now, I'm not about to argue against the truth behind the insult. The statistics are staggering:

Nor am I going to rail against McDonagh's decision to be a lazy screenwriter, seeking out easy targets for derision. A playwright who grew up straddling England & Ireland, steeped in the history of the so-called "stage Irish," is certain to understand the judicious use and abuse of stereotypes. More power to him.

My gripe is that the actors playing the Americans were not Americans. The father was Welsh. The daughter was English. And the mother, well, I can't find her nationality on IMDB, but I'd be very surprised if they'd bothered to lure a Yank across the pond for a non-speaking part.

The real problem is that they didn't sound American. Not even close. And it was annoying. Now I think I know how Brits must feel when they hear our actors butcher their accents. Apparently Michael Caine says Forest Whitaker's cockney is spot on, but I bet that most of us are closer to Britney Spears than Piccadilly Circus.

Can't we all just agree - finally - that enough is enough? There are sufficient hordes of unemployed actors in both countries to satisfy everyone's respective needs. It's O.K. The next time I'm in New York or Los Angeles, I'll just bus my own table. The United Nations should lend its weight to this issue, also. If the U.S. Congress can deliberate on the pros and cons of congratulating the Division III lacrosse champions, then we should be able to get something done on a global level about bad acting. Forget sanctions on Iran. You want a statute that will promote international goodwill? How about a binding resolution to remind Madonna that she's from the Midwest and Mark Addy (of Full Monty fame) that he's not? And, while we're at it, how about slipping in a moratorium on "midget humor" altogether? There wasn't a lot of butter in that tub to begin with, but it's REALLY starting to spread thin.

In the end, what I think really gets my goat about the British actors trying to pass themselves off is the fact that it was a sight gag. Look at the obese Americans! Ha ha ha. The line loses a little bit of its punch when you realize the "sight" is not what it appears to be. It would be about as silly as, I don't know, a Republican congressman criticizing Obama for not wearing an American-flag lapel pin while said congressman was not wearing an American-flag lapel pin. Oh, wait. That happened, too.